Briton, dear Briton; oh, where didst thou go?
Thy glory has gone in fields of wet snow.
No more do the larks sing in high trees;
lost is cool air in a moor swept breeze.
Briton, dear Briton; thou was robbed of sweet life;
as cold metals did pierce thy heart like a knife.
Thou slavest to know goodness, free will, and cheer,
but no longer the old ways dost thou choose to hold dear.
Briton, dear Briton; come back to my stead,
and let sweet remembrance come unto thy head.
When Arthur and Robyn and good Christian love
made lofty thy presence, below stars high above.
Briton, dear Briton; thou shalt never return,
for the world is at odds with tradition well worn;
but fear not for thy spirit shall stir in other men's hands,
and commune a while longer in faraway lands.
Posted by
Magister Fabula
2 comments:
Why the archaic language? Your diction is otherwise quite good, but I take issue with "thou" and "thy."
Your last stanza is particularly fine.
Briton, dear Briton: you shall never return,
for the world is at odds with tradition outworn
but fear not for your spirit shall stir in other men's hands/
and relive a while longer in faraway lands.
As I think you can see, you lose nothing by using modern pronouns, and my other changes are quite small. My advice is to avoid Latinisms (i.e. commune). Your poetry seems to have some affinities with Fr. Gerard Manley Hopkins, SJ and William Blake. I suggest you study their work.
"for the world is at odds with wisdom outworn."
That might be a better emendation. I prefer wisdom to tradition (as a native English word as opposed to a Latinism). And it preserves your alliteration.
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